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Twatters – 20161205

An archive of my cynical , snarky thoughts published on social media over the last month, or two. Or weeks. Like who cares, its social media.


At my most religious while a Cisco device is rebooting.

If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again – Paris Hilton

Timesheet Pro Tip: instead of ‘Travel’ use ‘Customer Service Delivery’. They’ll lap that up.

It would be better if I didn’t have to send apology letters every time I meet with a vendor sales grunt.

Timesheet Pro Tip: instead of ‘spreadsheet updates’ use ‘data analysis’ for improved cachet & perceived value

Timesheet Pro Tip: instead of ‘weekly reports’ use ‘360 degree activity timeline review’. Yes, you are just that cool.

Nobel Prizes need more cowbel.

I was trying take things seriously, then PRINCE2 project manager came through the door. Now the project is a total joke.

Its time we had metric time. You know, instead of imperial seconds, hours and days.

If stupid is rebooting this router hoping that it will fix the problem so I can go home, then I’m a complete moron.

Tough life decisions: Coffee or a shower ?

I can see the chalk outline around this project. The PRINCE2 & ITIL pseudo-professionals are arguing over “process”.

Then my boss said “everyone in replaceable”.

“Good”, I thought to myself while I checked out his office.

Being alone makes you the smartest person in the room.

My IT stripper name is  “is the network down”. Apparently.

CIO: Why are you lying on the grass outside of headquarters?
Me: Working on our cloud strategy
CIO: that’s brilliant!
Me: /sighs

Looks at pay check. Looks at project plan. Regrets life choices.

You know you spend too much time commuting when you sit down on the toilet and reach for the seat belt.

Co-worker was talking for ten minutes before I noticed. Told them I would “restart the firewall cluster security engine interface” and they left. Result.

PM: Can you reduce the scope of the project to fit into the budget ?

Me, pulling out rusty hacksaw: Sure. How much blood loss can you stand ?